gives him complete control over the family finances, for what wife would dare buy herself a mink stole in the face of such self-sacrifice?”
“Father comes home from work and finds fault with daughter, who answers impudently, or daughter may make the first move by being impudent, where- upon father finds fault. Their voices rise, and the clash becomes more acute… There are three possibilities: (a) father retires to his bedroom and slams the
door; (b) daughter retires to her bedroom and slams the door; (c) both retire to their respective bedrooms and slam the doors. In any case, the end of a game
of ‘Uproar’ is marked by a slamming door.”
Eric Berne
In 1961, psychiatrist Eric Berne published a book with a very boring title, Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy. It became the foundation work in its field, was much referenced, and was a reasonable seller.
Three years later he published a sequel based on the same concepts but with a more colloquial feel. With its brilliant title and witty, amusing cate- gories of human motivation, Games People Play was bound to attract more attention. Sales for the initial print run of 3,000 copies were slow, but two years later, thanks mostly to word of mouth and some modest advertising, the book had sold 300,000 copies in hardback. It spent two years on the New York Times bestseller list (unusual for a nonfiction work) and, creating a template for future writers who suddenly got wealthy by writing a pop psychology bestseller, the fiftysomething Berne bought a new house and a Maserati, and remarried.
Though he did not realize it at the time, Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships marked the beginning of the popular psy- chology boom, as distinct from mere self-help on the one hand and academic psychology on the other. Mainstream psychologists looked down on Berne’s book as shallow and pandering to the public, but in fact the first 50 or 60 pages are written in a rather serious, scholarly style. Only in the second part does the tone lighten up, and this is the section most people bought the book for.
Today, Games People Play has sold over five million copies and the phrase in its title has entered the English idiom.
Strokes and transactions
Berne began by noting research that infants, if deprived of physical handling, often fall into irreversible mental and physical decline. He pointed to other studies suggesting that sensory deprivation in adults can lead to temporary psychosis. Adults need physical contact as much as children, but it is not always available so we compromise, instead seeking symbolic emotional “strokes” from others. A movie star, for instance, may get his strokes from hundreds of adoring weekly fan letters, while a scientist may get hers from a single positive commendation from a leading figure in the field.
Berne defined the stroke as the “fundamental unit of social action.” An exchange of strokes is a transaction, hence his creation of the phrase “transac- tional analysis” (TA) to describe the dynamics of social interaction.
Why we play games
Given the need to receive strokes, Berne observed that in biological terms human beings consider any social intercourse—even if negative—as better than none at all. This need for intimacy is also why people engage in “games”— these become a substitute for genuine contact.
He defined a game as “an ongoing series of complementary ulterior trans- actions progressing to a well-defined, predictable outcome.” We play a game
to satisfy some hidden motivation, and it always involves a payoff.
Most of the time people are not aware they are playing games; it is just a normal part of social interaction. Games are a lot like playing poker, when we hide our real motivations as part of a strategy to achieve the payoff—to win money. In the work environment the payoff may be getting the deal; people speak of being in the “real estate game” or the “insurance game” or “playing the stock market,” an unconscious recognition that their work involves a
series of maneuvers to achieve a certain gain. And in close relationships? The payoff usually involves some emotional satisfaction or increase in control.
The three selves
Transactional analysis evolved out of Freudian psychoanalysis, which Berne had studied and practiced. He had once had an adult male patient who admit- ted that he was really “a little boy in an adult’s clothing.” In subsequent ses- sions, Berne asked him whether it was now the little boy talking or the adult. From these and other experiences, Berne came to the view that within each person are three selves or “ego states” that often contradict each other. They are characterized by:
❖ the attitudes and thinking of a parental figure (Parent);
❖ the adult-like rationality, objectivity, and acceptance of the truth (Adult);
❖ the stances and fixations of a child (Child).
The three selves correspond loosely to Freud’s superego (Parent), ego (Adult), and id (Child).
In any given social interaction, Berne argued, we exhibit one of these basic Parent, Adult, and Child states, and can easily shift from one to the other. For instance, we can take on the child’s creativity, curiosity, and charm, but also the child’s tantrums or intransigence. Within each mode we can be productive or unproductive.
In playing a game with someone we take on an aspect of one of the three selves. Instead of remaining neutral, genuine, or intimate, to get what we want we may feel the need to act like a commanding parent, or a coquettish child,
or to take on the sage-like, rational aura of an adult.
Let the games begin
The main part of the book is a thesaurus of the many games people play, such as the following.
“If it weren’t for you”
This is the most common game played between spouses, in which one partner complains that the other is an obstacle to doing what they really want in life.
Berne suggested that most people unconsciously choose spouses because they want certain limits placed on them. He gave an example of a woman who seemed desperate to learn to dance. The problem was that her husband hated going out, so her social life was restricted. She enrolled in dancing classes, but found that she was terribly afraid of dancing in public and dropped out. Berne’s point was that what we blame the other partner for is more often revealed as an issue within ourselves. Playing “If it weren’t for you” allows us to divest our- selves of responsibility for facing our fears or shortcomings.
“Why don’t you—yes, but”
This game begins when someone states a problem in their life, and another person responds by offering constructive suggestions on how to solve it. The subject says “Yes, but…” and proceeds to find issue with the solutions. In Adult mode we would examine and probably take on board a solution, but this is not the purpose of the exchange. It allows the subject to gain sympathy from others in their inadequacy to meet the situation (Child mode). The prob- lem solvers, in turn, get the opportunity to play wise Parent.
Wooden leg
Someone playing this game will have the defensive attitude of “What do you expect of a person with a wooden leg/bad childhood/neurosis/alcoholism?” Some feature of themselves is used an excuse for lack of competence or moti- vation, so that they do not have to take full responsibility for their life.
Berne’s other games include:
❖ Life games—“Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a Bitch”; “See What You Made
Me Do.”
❖ Marital games—“Frigid Woman”; “Look How Hard I’ve Tried.”
❖ “Good” games—“Homely sage”; “They’ll be glad they knew me.”
Each game has a thesis—its basic premise and how that is played out—and an antithesis—the way it reaches its conclusion, with one of the players taking an action that in their mind makes them the “winner.”
The games we play, Berne said, are like worn-out loops of tape we inherit from childhood and continue to let roll. Though limiting and destructive, they are also a sort of comfort, absolving us of the need to confront unresolved psychological issues. For some, playing games has become a basic part of who they are. Many people feel the need to get into fights with those closest to them or intrigues with their friends in order to stay interested. However, Berne warned, if we play too many “bad” games for too long, they become self- destructive. The more games we play, the more we expect others to play them too; a relentless game player can end up a psychotic who reads too much of their own motivations and biases into others’ behavior.
Final comments
Though Games People Play was reviled by many practicing psychiatrists as
too “pop” and inane, transactional analysis continues to be influential and has been added to the armory of many psychotherapists and counselors who need to deal with difficult or evasive patients. It seemed like a ground-breaking
book because it brought a psychologist’s precision to an area that was nor- mally the preserve of novelists and playwrights. Indeed, American novelist Kurt Vonnegut wrote a celebrated review that suggested its contents could inspire creative writers for years.
Be aware that Games People Play is quite Freudian, with many of the games based on Freud’s ideas about inhibition, sexual tension, and uncon- scious impulses. It is also clearly a relic of the 1960s in its language and social attitudes.
Yet it can still be a mind-opening read, and is a classic for the simple insight that people always have and probably always will play games. As Berne noted, we teach our children all the pastimes, rituals, and procedures they need to adapt to our culture and get by in life, and we spend a lot of time choosing their schools and activities, yet we don’t teach them about games, an unfortu- nate but realistic feature of the dynamics of every family and institution.
Games People Play can seem to offer an unnecessarily dark view of human nature. However, this was not Berne’s intention. He remarked that we can all leave game playing behind if we know there is an alternative. As a result of childhood experiences we leave behind the natural confidence, spon- taneity, and curiosity we had as a child and instead adopt the Parent’s ideas of what we can or cannot do. Through greater awareness of the three selves, we can get back to a state of being more comfortable within our own skin. No longer do we feel that we need someone’s permission to succeed, and we become unwilling to substitute games for real intimacy.
Eric Berne
Eric Bernstein grew up in Montreal, Canada; his father was a doctor and his mother a writer. He graduated from McGill University in 1935 with a medical degree, and trained to be a psychoanalyst at Yale University. He became a US citizen, worked at Mt Zion Hospital in New York, and in 1943 changed his name to Eric Berne.
During the Second World War Berne worked as a US army psychia- trist, and afterwards resumed his studies under Erik Erikson (see p. 84) at the San Francisco Psychoanalytic Institute. Settling in California in the late 1940s, he became disenchanted with psychoanalysis, and his work on ego states evolved over the next decade into transactional analysis. He formed the International Transactional Analysis Association, and combined private prac- tice with consulting and hospital posts.
Berne wrote on a range of subjects. In addition to his other bestseller, What Do You Say After You Say Hello? (1975), which examined the idea of “life scripts,” he also published the Layman’s Guide to Psychiatry and Psychoanalysis (1957), Structure and Dynamics of Organizations and Groups (1963), Sex in Human Loving (1970), and, posthumously, Beyond Games and Scripts (1976). See also the biography by Elizabeth Watkins Jorgensen, Eric Berne: Master Gamesman (1984).
Berne admitted that he had a well-developed Child, once describing himself as “a 56-year-old teenager.” He was a keen poker player, was married three times, and died in 1970.
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